An Illinios Fable by State Comptroller Dan Hynes

If you appreciate satire, you might enjoy this take on the year’s political events in Springfield by State Comptroller Dan Hynes. I found it on Capitol Fax Blog and asked the State Comptroller’s office to send it to me.

The Illinois Legislative Session of 2007: A Fable.

“Once upon a time, in a Land of Lincoln, a Governor presented a budget in a lovely town called Springfield. This Governor was great and generous and had a tremendous head of hair. And the wise and diligent people who needed to approve the budget, the members of the General Assembly, invited the Governor to their home to talk about one part of his plan. He did. And when he left their house, the members did what any courteous hosts would do: they voted 107-0 against him. And told him he was always welcome to stop by.

Though the Governor declared this a great victory, the streets of Springfield were strangely free of dancing or parades or general merriment.

Instead, a great black cloud covered the Land.

And the members of the General Assembly knew, to save the day, they’d have to agree on some kind of plan. So their leaders set down to work, day and night, and agreed on nothing of consequence.

And the cloud remained.

Now danger was approaching, and everyone said that they needed more time — so that they could call each other the worst names they could think of. Nasty, terrible names. Like when someone called the Governor a demagogue. And when the Governor called the Speaker of the House —a Republican.

And then things got even worse. The Governor said that God was on his side, and then unleashed God’s fury against a Senator from Moline. And the men who led the General Assembly insisted that they were absolutely, positively right, and whenever discussing the Governor, took God’s name in vain.

God was generally not pleased.

And the cloud remained.

But just when things looked their worst — just in the nick of time — knowing all that was at stake for the people they served, the good and decent leaders came together – in courtrooms all across Illinois. You see, the Governor had said that the members should meet at 2 o’clock. But the members decided to get together at 10 o’clock. That could mean only one thing, in the name of truth and justice, and everything good in the world: sue the bums!.

So in the happiest of happy endings, the Governor sued the Speaker of the House. And just to make sure that the Speaker’s clerk didn’t feel lonely, he sued him, too. And for a moment, the Governor thought about suing a maid at the Statehouse Inn because she had once said hello to the Speaker. But, in the rush to get back for a Cubs playoff game, he forgot all about that.

And the cloud remains over the Land.

Some say that the Governor is acting crazy. Some say that the Speaker is acting crazy. Some say that the other leaders are acting crazy.

But all of the people in the Land of Lincoln do agree on one thing. Their leaders are always, always, always putting them first.”


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