McHenry County Blog

From the Staff-Parish Committee of Wheatland Salem Church in Naperville comes this news:

Pastoral Transition for our Congregation

Scott Field

Bishop Sally Dyck, Regional Bishop of the United Methodist Church in Northern Illinois, after consultation with the Staff-Parish Relations Committee of Wheatland Salem Church, our District Superintendent, Rev. Diana Facemyer, and our pastors, has announced the appointment of Rev. Dr. Scott N. Field, our pastor since 1980, to become Senior Pastor of First United Methodist Church in Crystal Lake, Illinois as of July 1st.

While this leaving is bittersweet in many ways, we anticipate new seasons of ministry together for Wheatland Salem Church, for First UMC in Crystal Lake, for Pastor Scott, and for our new Senior Pastor who will be appointed to begin serving our congregation and community beginning on July 1st. Presently the Staff-Parish Relations Committee is actively working with our District Superintendent and Bishop to select and appoint our new Senior Pastor.

The First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake.

You will receive a letter in the next few days with some additional detail on this transition. In addition, next Sunday, February 24th, members of the Staff-Parish Relations Committee and the pastoral staff will be available at both campuses for an informal and open opportunity to give an overview our process of transition and respond to questions, concerns, and suggestions. Through the next 3-4 months before Pastor Scott’s departure, we will have opportunities to celebrate the past, engage the present, and prepare for the future. We have not experienced a change in our Senior Pastor position in a very long time, but we believe we have the capacity to make the transition and move into a new chapter of mission and ministry together.

The Staff-Parish Relations Committee

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The current minister at the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake is Steve Bullmer. He is retiring.

Field has been a leader in the evangelical organization called “Good News.”  It describes itself as “an orthodox renewal and reform ministry within The United Methodist Church.”  You can find the organization’s web site here.

Under Field’s leadership, the church grew from 18 at services in 1980 to 650 today. The Naperville church started a church in Oswego, where 150 now worship worship.

When I read Chelsea McDougall’s heartfelt article about her father’s and mother’s work in Haiti and her trip to the area of the mission, I immediately thought of the huge food packing project by the Salvation Army at the old Cub Food store next to the old Walmart.

That was two years ago this month.

Cub Foods was packed for the 2010 Salvation Army-sponsored Haiti food packing.

Somewhere I had heard another Crystal Lake effort was to be made to help feed Haiti, but couldn’t remember where.

Two Sundays ago I discovered that it was my First United Methodist Church that was putting together such an event.

It will be at Hannah Beardsley Middle School on Sunday, August 19th.

Preparing the food packets will replace our 9:30 and 11 o’clock services.

As you can see from the 2010 photo below, really young people can play a role.

This young boy had the role of pounding the Haiti food packets to flatten them out and to test the seal.

They usually pound the food packets to flatten them out.  The pounding also tests the seal on the plastic packet.

Having been so impressed at the widespread community involvement, I asked the young man who explained the project’s goals, as well as our Senior Pastor Steve Bullmer, whether we were going to involve other churches.

It’s a relatively short timeline, but it can be done.

The announcement sheet talked of Methodist Church John Wesley’s vision of “the world is my parish.”

Indeed the Methodist Church is growing most rapidly in Africa.

The current vision is to meet at 9:30 on August 19th instead of going to church services.

No real reason that it could not be extended to cover the whole day with enough volunteers.

“During this service time, we will be creating and packing meals for families in Haiti and tackling ‘fix-up’ projects at the Hannah Beardsley Middle School…all while enjoying fellowship, music and prayer.”

The project is called “Stirred to Serve.”

“Our desire is that people of all ages will join in and make a difference here at home in Crystal Lake and make a difference miles away in Haiti.

“Won’t you share your time, talents and financial support with mankind?”

I asked how much it cost per food packet, which feeds a family for a day, and the answer was 25 cents.

Those who can’t help out physically, can do so by sending a check to FUMC of Crystal Lake at 236 W Crystal Lake Ave.   The phone number is 815-459-0785.

Eric Secker is the contact person for the project. His number is 630-808-1947.

Tamera and Darnether Mruph-Heath

Pastor Darneather Murph-Heath preached her last sermons at the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake this weekend.

Pastor Heath decked out for African History Month.

Coming from Gorham United Methodist Church in Chicago, she served in Crystal Lake for the last six years as Associate Pastor.

The Bishop assigned her to be the Pastor at Our Saviors United Methodist Church in Schaumburg started July 1st.

Her daughter Tamera graduated from Crystal Lake Central High School this year, so there was some logic in the timing, but from the turnout at the usually sparsely-attended Saturday 5 PM service held prior to a going away potluck dinner, Pastor Heath made quit an impact on Crystal Lake.

It was an emotional time, especially when she managed to get staid mainly white suburban Methodists to dance in the aisles, something she and her predecessor Ronnie Verboom had been trying to do for at least a decade.

Pastor Heath sums up an(other) intense sermon.

Senior Pastor Steve Bullmer observed that those in the sanctuary had witnessed “a miracle.”

Pastor Health had transferred dancing at Northern Illinois University parties to dancing for the Lord.

She had brought the enthusiasm of the black Methodist congregations, as epitomized locally by performances of the Gospel Choir of the Gorham church to Crystal Lake…at least for her final service.

“I feel in love with suburban living,” Pastor Heath revealed.

“Who knew?” she said telling of the trepidation she faced when the Bishop sent her to Crystal Lake.

“People (in Chicago) were saying, ‘what are you going? Where is Crystal Lake?

Pastor Heath preaches her last Saturday 5 PM sermon. Photo by Don Rosborough.

“I came here kicking and screaming because I wanted to stay in Chicago…and it’s not for the reason you think. (I thought) my work wasn’t finished at Gorham.

“I’m amazed that a little child from the South Side of Chicago has something to say (that suburbanites would want to hear).

“The first day I arrived I felt like I was welcomed.”

“Even after (what I considered) a bad sermon, someone would come up and say, ‘You did it again.’”

“I think to God be the glory.”

Pastor Heath told of visiting family in Mississippi and the painful good-byes. They had been lightened by her grandmother’s making tea cakes for everyone to eat on the way home. (She even gave the recipe, but I couldn’t keep up. If you want it, ask for it in a comment and I’ll track it down and post it.)

“I wanted to stay (in Crystal Lake) because ministry was happening.

“It’s so hard to say ‘Good-bye’ to yesterday.

She quoted Paul’s parting words in Philippians, saying, “You have shaped me into a better persona, pastor and (I missed the last word). You all have made living life easier.

She also cited 2nd Corinthians.

“I love each of you and there is nothing you can do about it,” she told the congregation, echoing her frequently used description of God’s love for all humankind.

The Methodist Church has a rule prohibiting the return of former pastors of a church. (That didn’t stop FUMC of Crystal Lake David Seyller and his wife Bonnie, who still have been unable to sell their Crystal Lake home for a planned retirement in Kenosha, from coming to the celebration.)

“The Bishop cannot regulate my love and my prayers.

“If I see you in a Crystal Lake restaurant, he cannot regulate against your getting another hug from me.”

The service ended with Pastor Heath’s favorite song, “Blessed Be Your Name.”

Schaumburg parishioners should prepare for Pastor Health’s to say the following:

• “Hello, somebody.
• “Can I get an ‘Amen.’
• “Church,” when she wants your attention.

Does this look like any predominantly white Methodist Church congregation you've every seen? Photo by Don Rosborough.

And dancing in the aisles will be encouraged.

Here is a 2008 recording of The Newsboys’ “Blessed Be the Name of the Lord”:

First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake.

Here is the Crystal Lake Police report on the arrest in the September 21st break-in of the First Methodist Crystal at Dole and West Crystal Lake Avenues:

“On Friday, October 22, 2010 Crystal Lake Police arrested Jonathan L. Tully (M/W D.O.B. 09/17/1973), an area homeless man, for his alleged involvement with the burglary to the First United Methodist Church located at 236 W. Crystal Lake Ave., Crystal Lake.

“The burglary was initially reported to authorities during the early morning hours of September 21, 2010.

“Preliminary findings revealed that the church had been entered by force and that unknown offender(s) obtained control over two laptop computers belonging to the First United Methodist Church.

Jonathan Tully

“Tully was developed as a possible suspect when some of his personal property was found adjacent to the church on the morning the burglary was reported.

“On Friday, October 22, 2010 Jonathan Tully was located by Crystal Lake Police at the local PADS site and was found to be in possession of one of the laptops reported as stolen by church officials.”

“Police reviewed their findings with the McHenry County State’s Attorney’s Office who approved criminal charges against Tully for

• one count of Burglary (Class 1 Felony) and
• 4 counts of Theft (2 Class 2 Felonies – having a prior conviction and 2 Class 4 Felonies intending to permanently deprive First United Methodist Church of the use of the property).

“Bond to be set by a Judge.”

= = = = =

That’s the police report.  Here’s the scuttlebutt:

The guy who broke in though Wesley Hall,  the room where the free Community Dinner is held each Sunday night, cut himself.  Blood was found in the church, as well as “some of his personal property,” as the press release says.

While two computers were stolen, one was reported abandoned near the Home State Bank downtown. It was the newer of the two.

The newer one had a GPS device that was traced to a Chicago residence.  A photo of a teen using it was taken by the camera on that computer, which had apparently been taken home by the father after being found near the bank.  A Facebook posting was made by the first teen’s sibling.

= = = = =

Finally, part of what Senior Pastor Steve Bullmer wrote to church members after the burglary:

As I prayed about what to do, I found myself praying The Lord’s Prayer.

When I got to, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,” God said,

“Stop! Do you really mean what you just prayed?”

Was I actually asking God to forgive our trespasser? And I had to say,

“Yes, Lord. I really mean it.”

Pastor Steven Bullmer in the pulpit.

Now “forgiveness” does not mean “free pass.”

“Forgive and forget” is not in the Bible.

Forgiveness does not mean a miscarriage of justice.

But it does mean I have to relate to our trespasser as a child of God who needs healing and hope more than he or she needed those laptops.

Forgiveness means retribution and revenge are inappropriate responses from a Christian.

Forgiveness means I throw mercy at our trespasser, and I don’t “throw the book” at him.

Forgiveness means I try to find a way to say to him or her,

“Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”

This break-in is a test of our Christian character. Not cheap grace, but grace nevertheless.

God has sent us a lost person. Are we going to offer them Jesus, or a jail cell?

His whole email is here.

Pastor Steve Bullmer uses charcoal sketch of a grandfather teaching is grandson how to fish as a sermon illustration.

An email to members of the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake from its senior Pastor, Steve Bullmer:

Cheri Keagy singing at the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake

As some of you have heard, we had a break-in at First UMC somewhere between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning.

The unknown person broke through a window in Wesley Hall, cut themselves in the process, and proceeded to bleed all over Wesley Hall, up the stairs and through the hallway where the offices are.

They broke a door trying unsuccessfully to get into the main office, then went to the cabinet in the hall where we store CDs and used one of them to jimmy the main door to the office.

There they stole a laptop computer.

They then went down the hall to Jan Vera’s office and stole her laptop computer. They also found a little cash and took that, too. Heather’s office door was tampered with, but they did not get in.

No other rooms were entered. No vandalism occurred.

Associate Pastor Darneather Murph-Heath brings her message up close and perosnal.

Our custodian, Homero Lopez, was the first to discover the break-in. Soon after Jan Vera and Janet Yaworski saw the damage.

They called the police.

By the time I arrived the church was already a crime scene and the detectives were collecting evidence, so I didn’t see the mess in the offices or Wesley Hall.

The Preschool and PMO were unaffected by the break-in, so they met as usual on Wednesday, along with ESL classes and 40 Days of Purpose Life Groups. Children and Youth activities were canceled.

Director of Contemporay Music Jay Hemphill.

When all was said and done, the property losses were minimal, we lost a day of productivity, and many of us feel violated. It could have been worse. A lot worse.

People have asked me, “Did we lose any sensitive or confidential information on the stolen laptops?”

The answer is no, and I want to tell you why. Remember the money we spent earlier this year on upgrading our computer system? Because Agility is our IT provider, and they provide us 24/7 service, we were able to change the passwords immediately.

But here’s the best part. Agility has basically “lojacked” our computers.

In other words, they monitor all our computers and can remotely manipulate them. So as soon as anyone turns on one of the laptops, we will know where they are!

Pastor Steve Bullmer after an Easter service.

And in that vein, the perpetrator left lots of blood and fingerprint evidence. If they are a repeat offender, they will easily be found.

But mostly I want you to know that the decision the Financial Resource Committee made in choosing Agility as our IT provider is paying dividends we did not even imagine.

The Trustees will be calling a special meeting soon to discuss what actions, if any, we need to take to improve security in our building. With the number of people to whom we open our building to serve both members and the Crystal Lake community, that is a complex issue. We will let you know what is decided.

In the meantime, when I was finally able to get into the church, I took a tour of the building, checked in with the Pre-school and PMO, and then headed to our 40 Days of Purpose Prayer Chapel to pray.

By the way, I am really grateful for that space! As I prayed about what to do, I found myself praying The Lord’s Prayer.

When I got to, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,” God said,

“Stop! Do you really mean what you just prayed?”

Was I actually asking God to forgive our trespasser? And I had to say,

“Yes, Lord. I really mean it.”

Pastor Steven Bullmer in the pulpit.

Now “forgiveness” does not mean “free pass.”

“Forgive and forget” is not in the Bible.

Forgiveness does not mean a miscarriage of justice.

But it does mean I have to relate to our trespasser as a child of God who needs healing and hope more than he or she needed those laptops.

Forgiveness means retribution and revenge are inappropriate responses from a Christian.

Forgiveness means I throw mercy at our trespasser, and I don’t “throw the book” at him.

Forgiveness means I try to find a way to say to him or her,

“Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”

This break-in is a test of our Christian character. Not cheap grace, but grace nevertheless.

God has sent us a lost person. Are we going to offer them Jesus, or a jail cell?

FUMC Choir under Director of Traditional Music Katrina Jackson

What am I asking of you?

• First of all, thank the Financial Resources Committee for their wisdom and good stewardship of not going with the lowest IT bidder but choosing the one that offered us outstanding service.
• Second, thank God that no one was hurt, and our losses are minimal. Third, pray for the Trustees as they have to make some hard decisions about the future of security for our building.
• And finally, open your heart to God so that when we are called to interact with our trespasser, we do so in a way that this broken person finds the healing power of Jesus through us, our community is proud (and maybe amazed) at how we respond, and God says, “Well done, good and faithful servants.”

Pastor Steve

FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH
236 W. CRYSTAL LAKE AVENUE
CRYSTAL LAKE, IL 600104

WWW.CLUMC.ORG
815-459-0785

During Advent, the four weeks before Christmas, both ministers at the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake have emphasized that Christmas is not your birthday

Think about how you and your family celebrate Christmas.

What role does the honoree play?

My bride bakes a cake and our family sings the “Happy Birthday” song.

Not much, but more than was there before.

Of course, there’s the Christmas dinner prayer.

Christmas should not be about “presents” with a “t,” as Senior Pastor Steve Bullmer put it last Sunday.

It’s about “presence” with a “c.”

So, “what do you give to someone who has everything?” the minister asked.

“The best gift is you,”

he continued.

I asked our Associate Pastor Darneather Murph-Heath after her sermon the week before for a message next year on how to turn Christmas into more a celebration of Christ’s birth than another holiday whose theme is greed. (Think pretty much every holiday but Thanksgiving.)

She said a former church staff family asked anyone who wanted to give them presents to select from a list of ministries they supported.

When you are throwing the birthday party for a spouse and have his or her agreement, that would work.

But, introducing that idea to relatives at Christmas…that might be a more difficult task.

The December sermon theme was carried on for the children’s Christmas program, a choral event entitled, “The Best Christmas Present Ever!”

This is the final and probably most important part of Methodist Pastor Steve Bullmer’s July sermon on marriage and divorce.

It contains an interpretation of the woman at the well story in the Book of John which was a revelation to me.

To review, the first installment explained the difference between the two different words translated “divorce” in our Bibles. The second article explains the minister’s advice to those who have never been married. The third is to those in “good” marriages. Yesterday’s was aimed at those whose spouses have left them.

Here’s today’s–on after you get divorced:

One final sermon. There is a story in Scripture where Jesus ministers to a divorced person; the fourth chapter of John. He sends his disciples into town to prepare a meal.

Jesus is waiting for someone; and then she shows up.

They talk for awhile, and then Jesus offers her living water. She says,

“I would love some of that water.”

He says,

“Great, go back into town and get your husband.”

“I don’t have a husband.”

Jesus says,

“I know that. You’ve been married and divorced five times, and the guy you’re presently living with is not your husband.”

What do you think Jesus is going to say to her next?

“You stupid, sinful wretch.

“I can’t believe you!

“You’ve been married and divorced five times!

“Don’t you get it?

“Is there something psychologically wrong with you?

“Do you not understand what I said in the Sermon on the Mount that if you do this you’re a bad person?

“Don’t you know that God hates divorce? Get out of my sight!”

Do you think that’s what he says?

Maybe you do, because people who claim to be representing Jesus and speaking for God have said those things to you.

He says none of that.

He reveals to her that he’s the Messiah.

And he demonstrates his love to her.

And when she comes to believe in him he makes her the first woman preacher in the Bible and sends her back to town where she tells as many people as will listen that she has met the Savior.

And the Bible says,

“And many came to believe because of her testimony.”

That’s the power of Jesus’ love to divorced people.

I put this story next to Jesus’ teaching on divorce, and you know what I see?

I see grace.

Grace. Grace for all. Help for life’s struggles.

All right, here’s the word, because I don’t want you to miss it:

If you’ve never been married and you want to get married someday, if you’re single and you want to get married again, ban the word “divorce” from your vocabulary.

Links to my articles about the sermons (containing much about his divorce) in which Pastor Bullmer used to introduce himself to the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake last summer follow:

One Life to Live – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

General Hospital – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Church Minister in Crystal Lake

The Bold and the Beautiful – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

Guiding Life – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

= = = = =

Services at the First United Methodist Church (at the corner of West Crystal Lake Avenue and Dole, both of which intersect with Route 14 at a stop light) are 5 PM on Saturday and 8 AM, 9:30 AM and 11 AM. The 9:30 service is the most traditional. The 11 o’clock one is the most contemporary.  That’s when Pastor Steve takes off his coat.

The painting of Jesus with the woman at the well was found in Rome’s Catacombs. I found it here.

Other articles in the series can be found in the links below:

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce? Defining “Divorce”

If You Haven’t Been Married

Temptations During a “Good” Marriage

When Your Spouse Has Left You

This is the fourth article in a series about marriage and divorce. It is based on my Methodist minister Steve Bullmer’s sermon on the topic. It was a long, comprehensive one, so I have broken it up into five parts.

The first article explains the two different meanings of the word “divorce” in the Bible.

The second is directed to those who have never been married and the third to those in “good” marriages. This piece is intended for those who mate has left them.

A word for those whose mate has left you:

You didn’t want a divorce, but one day your mate announced to you that they didn’t love you anymore … and they were leaving.

And it felt like somebody came and ripped your heart out; and now you are in indescribable pain.

You have wept in my office, and I have such empathy for you.

You are feeling rejected and abandoned. And maybe you’re now in desperation mode:

“Honey, I’ll do anything to make this marriage work. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it; just tell me who you want me to be and I’ll be that person for you.

But the desperation strategy just drives them further away.

So now you’re on your knees to God, telling God you’ll do anything to bring your spouse back to you.

But they don’t come back.

And now you’re mad at God.

“Why did God let this happen? Why didn’t God answer my prayer?”

Well, I can give you an answer that will explain it to your head, but it won’t heal your heart.

The answer is that God doesn’t force His will on our wills; we have free will.

And the fact is your spouse made up their mind to leave you long before they told you, and the likelihood that they were going to change their mind is pretty small.

The only way they change their mind is if they pray,

“Holy Spirit, guide me; tell me what your will is.”

And the Holy Spirit is invited to come into their mind and heart.

But that’s not what usually happens.

When people are feeling guilty about what they are doing they push God even further away.

Many of those people stop coming to church after they’ve made that decision; not because of something I’ve said, but because of what the Holy Spirit is trying to say to them and they’re not listening.

The only time a mate rethinks leaving is when you muster up the courage, by the power of the Holy Spirit—because this is a very hard thing to say—and you say,

“I don’t want you to leave; I love you and I want to make this marriage work. But I will not be your doormat; and I know God will carry me through this. And if you want to leave, know that’s not my desire … but I am going to let you go.”

Sometimes, sometimes, that speech will make a spouse pause … and decide to come back. Clinging and holding hardly ever works.

Here’s what I know:

At those moments when you feel most abandoned and rejected, there is one Man, there is one God, who will never leave you nor forsake you.

God has promised that though there is weeping through the night, joy will come in the morning.

God says I will stand by you no matter what. I can make all things and all people new.

I have purposes and plans for you that you can’t even imagine … and if you will let me, I will fulfill those plans for you.

For I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly. The Holy Spirit will turn things around for you after your spouse leaves you abandoned and broken-hearted.

God loves you.

God has plans for you.

If you are aching today, I really, really, want you to know that.

 Tomorrow, life after divorce.

Links to my articles about the sermons (containing much about his divorce) in which Pastor Bullmer used to introduce himself to the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake last summer follow:

One Life to Live – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

General Hospital – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Church Minister in Crystal Lake

The Bold and the Beautiful – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

Guiding Life – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

= = = = =

Services at the First United Methodist Church (at the corner of West Crystal Lake Avenue and Dole, both of which intersect with Route 14 at a stop light) are 5 PM on Saturday and 8 AM, 9:30 AM and 11 AM. The 9:30 service is the most traditional. The 11 o’clock one is the most contemporary.  That’s when Pastor Steve takes off his coat.

Other articles in the series can be found in the links below:

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce? Defining “Divorce”

If You Haven’t Been Married

Temptations During a “Good” Marriage

When Your Spouse Has Left You

Hope After Divorce

This is the third in a series of sermonettes by Crystal Lake Methodist Minister Steve Bullmer. The first explained the difference between the two words used in the Bible which are translated into “divorce” in English. The second was addressed to those who have never been married.

This one is aimed at those with “good marriages.”

Second, a word to married people—people with good marriages, people with average marriages, and people with below average marriages.

My word to you is a simple and clear one:

Divorce is a sin.

It attacks; it destroys; it is always a tragedy.

I want you to think about divorce in this way—it attacks your marriage.

I want you to think about divorce in this way because sooner or later every person in this room will think about divorce as a possible solution to the problems you’re going through. Like the couple in this clip from the movie, “Fireproof.”

The idea of divorce, like the idea of adultery, will tempt you and test you.

Someone other than your spouse will come along, and they will make your heart flutter; and now you’re fantasizing what it would be like to be with that person instead of your spouse.

And maybe your relationship is challenged and strained right now, and you can’t get that other person out of your head; and now you’re thinking,

“Well, maybe I don’t really love my mate. Maybe I never really loved them. She doesn’t understand me. He will never change.”

And now you’re comparing the spouse with all their warts and shortcomings to this fantasy soul mate. And now you’re thinking,

“I really love this other person. Maybe divorce is a good idea.”

And you’re not thinking about what next Christmas is going to be like when your children are with your ex-spouse but you’re not there. Or how many birthdays and soccer games and school plays you’re going to miss because you exited the marriage.

And you’re not thinking about what happens when your ex-spouse remarries and now someone else is spending more time with your kids than you are; and that fantasy soul mate you left your spouse for—they turn out to have more warts and shortcomings than your first spouse did.

So if your marriage is rocky and you’re thinking divorce will solve your problems, think again:

It will only compound your problems.

Yes, right after you separate or divorce there is a sense of relief.

You’re relieved that you’re not coming home to fighting every day; and it feels so good to have finally made a decision after agonizing on the fence for so long.

All of a sudden a whole lot of stress goes out of your life.

But guess what.

It doesn’t last.

Divorce ends a marriage, it doesn’t solve a problem. The problems are still there.

And they only get worse.

You think you couldn’t communicate when you were married?

Try communicating when everyone is hurt and mad.

You think your spouse didn’t understand you when you were married?

They understand you even less when you’re divorced.

Your income goes down and your expenses go up.

You’re an emotional wreck; you’re a spiritual wreck.

Sometimes the present pain and dysfunction outweigh the negative consequences, and we’ll talk about that in a minute.

Remember, this is only sermon two.

If you’re sermon four, hang in there.

But for most people your life, your children’s life, and your ex-spouse’s life gets worse instead of better when you get divorced.

This is a spiritual struggle.

There are times when your spouse is going to be a jerk.

Really.

There are times in the ebb and flow of your relationship that you will fall out of love.

There are times when your marriage will be painful and you will be tempted and tested.

And the challenge for you is to persevere; don’t give up.

I don’t know a single couple who made it to their fiftieth wedding anniversary where there weren’t times when the wife wanted to strangle her husband, and the husband thought about walking away.

But they hung in there. And the miracle is when those same people will tell you that after fifty years they are more in love than they were on their wedding day.

Try again.

Go to counseling.

Men, there is nothing manly about refusing to talk to a counselor about your marital problems.

It is not an admission of weakness or failure.

It is an act of wisdom and courage to say,

“I’m over my head and out of solutions. What I’m doing isn’t working. I need help.”

Guys who put their wife’s well-being and their children’s well-being ahead of their egos are heroes in my book.

Links to my articles about the sermons (containing much about his divorce) in which Pastor Bullmer used to introduce himself to the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake last summer follow:

One Life to Live – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

General Hospital – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Church Minister in Crystal Lake

The Bold and the Beautiful – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

Guiding Life – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

= = = = =

Services at the First United Methodist Church (at the corner of West Crystal Lake Avenue and Dole, both of which intersect with Route 14 at a stop light) are 5 PM on Saturday and 8 AM, 9:30 AM and 11 AM. The 9:30 service is the most traditional. The 11 o’clock one is the most contemporary.  That’s when Pastor Steve takes off his coat.

Other articles in this series can be found at the links below:

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce? Defining “Divorce”

If You Haven’t Been Married

Temptations During a “Good” Marriage

When Your Spouse Has Left You

Hope After Divorce

Crystal Lake’s Methodist minister Steve Bullmer has drawn on his divorce for sermons July a year ago (links below) and last month. Yesterday, I put up the distinctions between the two words translated “divorce” in English Bibles. You may be surprised at the difference, which seems to be glossed over in most translations.

In today’s mini-sermon, Bullmer talks to those who haven’t married yet, but might like to do so someday:

For those of you who are not married, and want to be married somewhere down the road; children, youth, I want you to listen to this.

This is what I think the biblical teaching says to you:

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you’re supposed to take it very seriously.

But it’s hard to sign up for a lifetime commitment and know that you’re going to be able to keep that commitment for the rest of your life … if you’ve only known that other person for a few weeks.

Now yes, I know couples who knew on the first date that they were meant for each other, and it’s a joy when that turns out to be true.

But for the vast majority of us, we need a lot more time to really get to know that person—get to know their strengths of character and their shortcomings and their failures.

You need to look with eyes wide open at the person you are dating.

When we are dating we tend to overlook the other person’s shortcomings and failures; we tend to think,

“Oh, it will be better; I can live with that; my love will change them”….

It doesn’t work that way.

Here’s what I learned—the hard way:

There are a whole lot of nice people in the world … the vast majority of whom I have no business being married to!

And:

Lyrics to rock and roll love songs and plotlines to romantic comedies are poor guides for choosing your life partner!

Get to know the other person well before you decide to marry them.

And here’s the main thing you need to know about that person:

You can’t change them.

What you see is what you get.

If you don’t love the person as they are, then who exactly are you in love with?

An idealized person that doesn’t exist!

Address the red flags before the marriage; it’s a serious problem when you don’t see eye to eye on your core values and the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the red flags, and not your raging hormones. If you don’t deal with the red flags, if you just sweep them under the rug and think they will work themselves out later, you are wrong.

And guess what?

If you marry that person without talking about the big issues between you, they think you have accepted them for who they are, as they are … and that big, false assumption will come back to bite you sooner rather than later. What are you going to do? Five years down the road say,

“Oh, by the way, I’ve never liked that about you, but I just didn’t say anything about it; and you’ve been irritating the heck out of me.”

And one more thing:

Don’t let “divorce” be a part of your vocabulary.

Don’t think it; don’t speak it.

I know some of you who use the word “divorce” as a weapon, as a threat:

“Well, let’s just get a divorce.”

Understand this:

Words have power.

First you think it; then you begin to say it; then the day comes that you act on it.

Take the word “divorce” out of your vocabulary.

Links to my articles about the sermons (containing much about his divorce) in which Pastor Bullmer used to introduce himself to the First United Methodist Church of Crystal Lake last summer follow:

One Life to Live – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

General Hospital – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Church Minister in Crystal Lake

The Bold and the Beautiful – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

Guiding Life – The Soap Opera Life of Steve Bullmer, New Methodist Minister in Crystal Lake

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Services at the First United Methodist Church (at the corner of West Crystal Lake Avenue and Dole, both of which intersect with Route 14 at a stop light) are 5 PM on Saturday and 8 AM, 9:30 AM and 11 AM. The 9:30 service is the most traditional. The 11 o’clock one is the most contemporary.  That’s when Pastor Steve takes off his coat.

Other parts of this series can be found at the links below:

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce? Defining “Divorce”

If You Haven’t Been Married

Temptations During a “Good” Marriage

When Your Spouse Has Left You

Hope After Divorce